How can I ask my family about estate planning?
Do your parents have an estate plan in place? Do you know where all the important documents are located and how to access them? Have you had an estate planning conversation with your own kids?
These are the fundamental questions that linger in the back of our minds, but never seem to be urgent until it’s too late.
We all understand that death and money are among the top things that you don’t want to talk about at the dinner table. So it’s no wonder why you (or your parents) may be intimidated by the idea of having a conversation around estate planning.
But just like most things in life, the sooner you get it done, the better. Otherwise, your family is at risk of unnecessary confusion and all the legal bills, delays, and frustration that come with it.
This article is intended to give you a basic understanding of why its important to have the estate planning conversation now, and some ways to approach the topic.
If estate planning is completely foreign to you, then it may be helpful to understand that a standard estate plan in Massachusetts is made up of four key documents:
Family Trust (a/k/a Revocable Living Trust)
Pour-Over Will
Durable Power of Attorney
Health Care Proxy
So when you are having a conversation about estate planning, you may want to hit upon each of these documents to make sure nothing falls through the cracks. More information about these specific documents can be found in our free guide available at PerennialEstatePlanning.com
Why do I need to have the estate planning conversation?
A lot of people would prefer to not have to talk about estate planning, and just let everyone “figure it out” when the time comes. You’ve seen the movies - it doesn’t work like that.
The benefits of having a dialogue around estate planning include:
Empowerment. By bringing your family into the conversation, they will feel like they are being heard.
Peace of Mind. Once the conversation is done, you will feel like you are taking control of your family’s future rather than leaving things to chance.
Pass on family values. Estate planning is a great opportunity to discuss why you are doing things in a certain way. The important points in your estate plan can be used to highlight what you care about most in life. Fairness, equity, harmony, and being there for one another. Making sure that everyone is taken care of.
Establishing a legacy. Similar to family values, the estate planning conversation could spark ideas as to what your life represents and what you want to be known for. What do you want your children / grandchildren to remember about you?
Emergency Preparation. You can lay the groundwork for your family in terms of what they need to do (and how they can access key legal documents or information) if you suddenly become incapacitated.
Tax Planning. By discussing your estate planning with your family members, you can discuss different ways to pass on wealth that gives as much as possible to future generations (and minimizes the government’s share of the pot.)
What’s the best way to get the estate planning conversation started?
Here are a few scenarios to consider.
For Adult Children
If you feel like it’s none of your business to ask your parents sensitive questions, then you can jumpstart the estate planning conversation by asking your parents for advice on how/whether you should do your own estate planning.
In other words,
“Hey Dad/Mom, I was thinking about (or recently completed) my estate plan and was just wondering if you had any input?”
This is a great way to test the waters because, depending on how your parents respond, you can get a sense for their level of comfort in discussing such matters.
If your parents start volunteering information about how they went about the process (or would go about the process if they don’t yet have an estate plan in place), then you can continue the conversation and gently move it towards the crucial point where it needs to be.
This approach almost always works, but even if it doesn't, then the worst case scenario is that they have no thoughts on the subject and you end the conversation exactly where you started – no hard feelings.
If your parents do open up a bit, then that may be a good time to schedule a family meeting by involving your siblings or other important persons involved in the estate planning process (for example, the persons named as trustee/executor if it’s someone other than you or your siblings).
Some attorneys or advisors may even be willing to listen into the conversation to help clarify certain points. In fact, this is something that I’ve done for my clients in the past through a quick phone call.
For Parents of Adult Children
You may be nervous that your kids will raise concerns about your estate plan that could then lead to disharmony. The last thing you want to do at a family get-together is ruffle some feathers. If this sounds like you, that’s all the more reason to have the conversation now while you still have a chance to alleviate any tension.
While some may initially jump into “family announcement” mode and have the discussion over dinner, it’s probably best to start the conversation with each family member individually, if possible. If you have named any children as your fiduciaries (e.g., successor trustees or alternate agents under your health care proxy or power of attorney), then I’d start with them.
By the way, you don’t have to talk about exact dollar amounts if you don’t want to. At least, not initially. Instead, start with family values, hopes, and dreams:
“This is what I want to do, this is why, and this is how I would like things to be done.”
Resolve (or at least identify) all the issues individually first, then you can create a more organized approach to tackling these concerns in a systematic fashion either as a family or one-on-one. This will allow you to clear the air and make sure there is no misunderstanding.
To be clear, I’m not saying you should be collecting votes on how things should be done, this is not a democracy (it’s your plan after all). But, by having the conversation you can ensure everyone is on the same page as to what your intentions are and minimize future conflict.
For Parents with Minor Children
It’s generally too early to have the discussion with your minor children about the nitty gritty details of your estate plan. In my experience, babies just don’t care.
Of course it’s never too early to instill family values by way of example, but for practical reasons your intentions only need to be shared with your fiduciaries at this point. The biggest question being,
“Who do I want to raise my children if something were to happen to me and my spouse?”
In other words, the conversation should shift to the persons you plan to rely upon if something happens to you. Who will be there for your children if you aren’t?
So first things first, come to an agreement with your spouse. Most people don’t enjoy watching a married couples argue with each other - so go ahead and get the back and forth done before you bring others into the conversation. Then I’d recommend either giving the person (or couple) who you plan to name as the guardian (or trustee / executor) a call with something along the lines of:
“Hey, I know this is super random, but my spouse and I are doing our estate planning and were wondering whether you would be comfortable taking care of our kids if something were to happen to us.”
Nine out of ten times, the prospective guardian (or other proposed fiduciary) will be honored and immediately respond with “Of course!” but before they have a chance to do that, I would continue with something along the lines of,
“I know this is a huge commitment so please feel free to think it over (or discuss it privately with your spouse) and I’ll follow up with you next week.”
Once again, your prospective guardian will probably just say yes and leave it at that (in which case no follow-up call is necessary), but it’s best to give them a way out to ensure they are truly committed to being a guardian for your children rather than reflexively responding with a yes.
When in doubt, delegate.
Lastly, if none of these options work for you, then just delegate the task to your attorney – they handle these conversations all the time.
The attorney should have no problem leading the family meeting and looking like the bad guy if someone doesn’t like what they are hearing. After all, attorneys are used to being disliked by others – it’s part of their job.
If you’re still feeling uncomfortable, then that’s okay - it’s completely normal to feel that way. You may feel that the timing is not right, but it never really does feel quite right when it comes to estate planning. All you can do is approach the conversation out of love for your family. That is what estate planning is all about.
Need help with your estate planning?
If you would like to review or update your estate plan, then give me a call at 781 202 6368, email jlento@perennialtrust.com, or click here to schedule your free personal consultation. I’m always happy to help!
Joseph M. Lento, J.D.
Your Local Estate Planning Attorney
www.PerennialEstatePlanning.com
477 Main Street
Stoneham, MA 02180
